Life and Loss

Posted on August 14 2016

I have had an interesting week. It has been a roller coaster ride of extreme highs and the lowliest lows.

On Wednesday I was so excited to hear the news that my dad was cancer free. He had passed his five year mark. I was so overcome with joy, I cried and cried.

I first found out he had cancer the day I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. I'll never forget that day. I'd just come home from the doctors. I had nausea like a bitch, and was beyond tired, but I was so happy. We had been trying for her for nearly a year, so I was relieved as well as excited.

My mum dropped in just as I arrived home and I burst out our news, expecting squeals and hugs and happy tears. I got tears, but they weren't happy ones. She tried, oh she tried, but the look of pure sadness on her face stopped me in my tracks.

When she uttered the words 'dad has cancer', time stopped. I was not expecting this. I had no inkling whatsoever that he was ill, or even experiencing any symptoms. Turns out he actually wasn't.

My pop had prostate cancer. But he was told he would die WITH it, not FROM it. It wasn't aggressive. He was however, told to let the men in his family know that they needed to get checked and they did. Dad went and got the test, dreading the finger up the bum, but pleasantly surprised by a simple blood test.

His levels came back fine but was told to come back in a year.

Life went on. Then Black Saturday happened, that horrific, desolate time that changed so many lives. Dad was working at the Council and was caught up in the tragedy and logistics. Recovery of our community took priority over everything. He, like many others, worked and worked, with no room in his mind for anything but to try and make things better. A mammoth, sometimes traumatising task.

Mum reminded dad some time during the year that it has been over a year since his last test. It was the last thing on his mind, but he went, and life changed as we knew it. Cancer had worked its ugly way into our family.

I always thought of prostate cancer as a 'good' cancer. You know, if you want any cancers that's the one you want. How naive of me. This wasn't a nice one. It was aggressive and threatened the life of my hero. My dad. The man that I loved unconditionally, unequivocally.

This time of my life is a bit of a blur. I remember not wanting to feel happy. Because how could I? I didn't want to look forward to meeting my baby as how could I when I didn't know if my dad would be there to meet her. The logical part of me told me that I needed to feel joy, but the emotional side of me was winning.

I won't go into all the details but he won. He made it. He fought that evil bastard with the help of some amazing medical specialists and treatment and he is here. He was there for my daughter, and then my son. He was there for my siblings and their babies.

I am lucky. We are lucky.

But I also feel guilty. Is this normal? I don't know.

Unfortunately we have lost many people in our family. My father in law was cruelly taken. His life cut short by cancer, leaving the most incredible family behind.

My grandmother. My Pa, my Pop, my Great Aunty, 2 of my mums brothers, my uncles. My husbands grandparents. Just one day after celebrating my dad's good news, we found out that one of his best mates, a wonderful family friend, had lost a vicious battle with Motor Neurone Disease.

All of these wonderful people gone, and many more, in various circumstances, all of them tragic, all of them devastating.

Grief is like a swamp. A deep, thick hole where you are stuck. A place where you kind of need to be, but a place you desperately want to climb out of. Some of us manage to climb out faster than others. Others wallow there. And that's ok. The loss of someone you love and need is a physical pain, a hollowness, a deep, empty chasm. You don't know how you are going to get through. How you will ever smile again. Should you smile again? Is that disrespectful to the memory of your person?

A saying that I really hate, is 'life goes on'. You know why I hate it? Because it's f*cking true. It does continue to roll. To pick you up and sweep you into the next chapter. You might not be ready for it, you may feel like you are caught in swirling surf, but you have to surrender. Allow yourself to float and be carried to shore. Be held buoyant by those who love you. Those that are still here, needing you, wanting you, loving you.

I have witnessed many different types of grief and recovery. I have seen my amazing in laws suffer the worse kind of grief. They are a big loving family, and they are now even more so. They locked arms. They hugged, they cried. They keep the memory of their precious father alive with the power of family and love. They talk of him often, they visit his resting place. He is still so much a part of their family.

I have seen other people not be able to even mention their loved ones name. They turn inwards. They want their grief to be theirs and theirs only.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's a personal thing that is immeasurable and individual.

I recently have had my own health problems. I'm hoping it's nothing too serious. Pretty sure it's not. I had a procedure done yesterday, and while I feel like I was violated with the contents of my kitchen utensil drawer, I still feel lucky, albeit sore.

I feel lucky because I'm here. I feel lucky because we have an excellent health system. I feel lucky that I get to hold my babies tight, and that they get to have me.

I need to take better care of myself. Listen to my body. We all do. Due for a Pap smear? F**king go! Checked your boobs lately? No? WHY?

We are losing people we love. Sometimes there is nothing that can be done, but let's start with prevention. I don't want you to turn into a raving hypochondriac, but listen to your body.

I'm going to give up the fags. There. I said it. Sh*t. I don't know if I am ready. But I have to. Because the thought of sitting in an oncologist's office, hearing that I've pretty much killed myself is more than I can bear. An accident is tragic. MND is tragic. So many things can kill us, but self inflicted cancer is selfish. I don't want my husband and kids to bury me.

I feel like I have a second chance with my dad. You don't hear many happy endings with cancer. So I'm going to shout mine from the rooftops. Embrace survival. Focus on the happy things. Love the living, fondly remember those gone too soon. Celebrate the small things.

Cos life goes on.

Claire X


  • NERO J: July 04, 2022

    I came across many testimonies on google testifying of DR EMU a voodoo spell caster that will help you cast a LOTTERY SPELL and give you the rightful numbers to win the lottery, i didn’t believe it, at first but as life got harder i decided to take a try, now my try has made me a millionaire, i have been playing all types of lottery since 4 years now but i have not win up to $1000, after contacting him he cast the LOTTERY SPELL and give me the hot figures behold i won $50,000 now i am a living testimony of the good work of DR EMU, it is my secret but i decided to make the world known too. It might be a help to any one who is interested, this happens last week ago you are free to contact him
    WhatsApp phone number +2347012841542

  • Gavin Wear : July 02, 2022

    I am here to spread this good news to the entire world on how Dr Emu helped me solve my infertility problem and i am so happy now that i am now a mother because for over 4 years i have been trying to get pregnant and needed help, i and my husband always go for medical check up and the doctor always say that the both of us are fine and i have nowhere else to get help from and all hope was almost lost until one day i visited a friend of mine and i told her what i was passing through and she introduce me to this great spell caster called Dr Emu who helped her when she was in need of help, so i took a try to contact Dr Emu through his email and i explain all my problem to him and after we have talked he perform an infertility spell for me and after that he told me what i should do, and i followed the instruction he gave and after that he instructed to sleep with my husband and also i followed the instruction and he said that the next week i should go for medical check up and the doctor confirmed that i was 4 months pregnant and i was so happy that all my sorrows were gone for ever, i am so very happy now and also if you need any kind of help or the same line with mine, contact Dr Emu on his email: or call/text his whatsapp phone number +2347012841542 visit facebook page: 104891335203341

  • Nicole Morris : June 24, 2022

    I ordered a job spell on a Friday night and on Monday the place I applied for a job called for me to come by their office. They gave me the job I applied for and made me an offer of more per hour than I have ever made in my life! I am so happy! Government jobs sometimes are a slow process. You somehow managed to speed up that process, and I start in just a few days! DR EMU I will be forever grateful thanks once again. You can call on him for help on his email address or add him up on his WhatsApp +2347012841542. DR EMU also lent a helping hand to the following } 1. GETTING YOUR EX LOVER BACK. 2. WINNING LOTTERIES. 3. CHILD BEARING. 4. BREAKING OF GENERATION COURSE. 5. GETTING OF JOB. 6. JOB PROMOTION. 7. HERBAL CARE. 8. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION. 9. HERBAL CARE. 10. SPIRITUAL PRAYER. E.T.C.

  • Beth Walter: December 20, 2021

    How i got back my ex husband after he left me and our kids” I suggest you read my testimony. I’m Beth Walters from the United state, I’m so excited my husband is back after he left me for another woman. My husband was having an affair with a co-worker and i love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with his co-worker and this girl i think she uses witchcraft or black magic on my husband to make him hate me and this was so critical and uncalled-for, I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to bring back my husband! I was really upset and I needed help, so I searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Lord Zuma can help get ex-boyfriend back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and I did it, then he did a love spell for me. 11hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he misses me so much, Oh My God! I was so happy, and today I am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together. I thank the powerful spell caster Lord Zuma, he is so powerful and I decided to share my story online here. if you are here and your Lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact Lord Zuma for help now..Here’s his contact, or WhatsApp him: +1 506 800 1647

  • Beck Leech: August 21, 2016

    This made me cry Claire. Very well written xx

  • Tara: August 16, 2016

    Sitting here bawling, your words really hit home….my husband lost his mother to long term illness a month ago, whilst not cancer, it was debilitating watching her health go down so rapidly. We shared the news of our twins as her health got worse. We share in their birth as her health got worse. She lost her fight less than 2 months until their 1st birthday. Tomorrow is her birthday, our first without her…the hardest one, the dreaded first. I don’t know how it’s going to go, how we will cope, but we will.

  • Lane & Holly @ With Two Spoons: August 16, 2016

    Cancer is terrible, gut wrenching, horribly unfair. But we all owe it to ourselves to do as much as possible to prevent it-so you are right! Give up the smokes! Eat well! Exercise! Get your preventative exams! Live your best self because life is short…

  • Claire: August 16, 2016

    This made me cry reading it. Cancer can cause so much loss, I am so happy for you to have the relief of your Dads victory xx

  • Renae: August 15, 2016

    Claire I am so happy your Dad won his battle! My Dad beat melanoma I am so grateful he is here with us, he is my hero xx

  • Jo: August 15, 2016

    Cancer is a ball-breaker. Can relate a lot to this. My mum lived for 25 years with the cancer monkey on her shoulders and my sister also just passed the 5 year mark. Definitely celebrate the milestones. And I’ve had losses. It’s cruel, but treasure the memories.

  • Rachael Burgess: August 15, 2016

    Wow, I can’t even imagine going through what you have. So wonderful that your dad is now cancer free, but so tragic that you have already lost so many close to you. Loosing a family member is my greatest fear. I found out a few weeks ago that a close family member probably doesn’t have much time left due to heart failure and I don’t even know how to handle it. I mostly just try not to think about it but it scares the crap out of me…. Thanks for sharing this! It was encouraging to me to read that life does go on – despite you saying that you hate that quote haha. Lots of love!

    xoxo, ❤︎ rachael ❤ | Instagram

  • Bron from Flat Bum Mum: August 15, 2016

    Beautiful words Claire. Cancer is a mother f**ker of epic proportions. I am so thankful for our amazing health system too. I hope you can make the changes you need for yourself.
    Bron x

  • Bianca : August 15, 2016

    Claire your words are so raw and so powerful. Cancer is a bitch of a thing and it has touched my life and my family far too many times as well, I’m so happy for you and your beautiful family about your beloved dads news I hope you news is equally as wonderful. Best if luck giving up the cigarettes too. Thank you again for your wonderful blog ?

  • Gina: August 14, 2016

    Hi Claire.

    Wonderfully written, each word holds such truth! Personally a lot that I can relate to and yes agreed, grief is so personal, no right, no wrong!

    Thank you so very much for an interesting read that has inspired me to make long awaited changes that I continue to delay day after day and to really think about what’s important in our lives…and sometimes this is what it takes, an article such as yours to rethink where we’re heading!

    Always love reading your blogs as I find I relate to them! Thank you!!


  • Kerry: August 14, 2016

    Once again you speak for so many…
    We can feel so numb & paralysed, but we still put one foot in front of the other…..and smile…

Leave a comment

Join our Mailing List

Sign up to receive our daily email and get 50% off your first purchase.

My Cart

Subtotal: $0.00

Your cart is currently empty.