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Life and Loss

Posted on August 14 2016


I have had an interesting week. It has been a roller coaster ride of extreme highs and the lowliest lows.

On Wednesday I was so excited to hear the news that my dad was cancer free. He had passed his five year mark. I was so overcome with joy, I cried and cried.

I first found out he had cancer the day I found out I was pregnant with our second baby. I'll never forget that day. I'd just come home from the doctors. I had nausea like a bitch, and was beyond tired, but I was so happy. We had been trying for her for nearly a year, so I was relieved as well as excited.

My mum dropped in just as I arrived home and I burst out our news, expecting squeals and hugs and happy tears. I got tears, but they weren't happy ones. She tried, oh she tried, but the look of pure sadness on her face stopped me in my tracks.

When she uttered the words 'dad has cancer', time stopped. I was not expecting this. I had no inkling whatsoever that he was ill, or even experiencing any symptoms. Turns out he actually wasn't.

My pop had prostate cancer. But he was told he would die WITH it, not FROM it. It wasn't aggressive. He was however, told to let the men in his family know that they needed to get checked and they did. Dad went and got the test, dreading the finger up the bum, but pleasantly surprised by a simple blood test.

His levels came back fine but was told to come back in a year.

Life went on. Then Black Saturday happened, that horrific, desolate time that changed so many lives. Dad was working at the Council and was caught up in the tragedy and logistics. Recovery of our community took priority over everything. He, like many others, worked and worked, with no room in his mind for anything but to try and make things better. A mammoth, sometimes traumatising task.

Mum reminded dad some time during the year that it has been over a year since his last test. It was the last thing on his mind, but he went, and life changed as we knew it. Cancer had worked its ugly way into our family.

I always thought of prostate cancer as a 'good' cancer. You know, if you want any cancers that's the one you want. How naive of me. This wasn't a nice one. It was aggressive and threatened the life of my hero. My dad. The man that I loved unconditionally, unequivocally.

This time of my life is a bit of a blur. I remember not wanting to feel happy. Because how could I? I didn't want to look forward to meeting my baby as how could I when I didn't know if my dad would be there to meet her. The logical part of me told me that I needed to feel joy, but the emotional side of me was winning.

I won't go into all the details but he won. He made it. He fought that evil bastard with the help of some amazing medical specialists and treatment and he is here. He was there for my daughter, and then my son. He was there for my siblings and their babies.

I am lucky. We are lucky.

But I also feel guilty. Is this normal? I don't know.

Unfortunately we have lost many people in our family. My father in law was cruelly taken. His life cut short by cancer, leaving the most incredible family behind.

My grandmother. My Pa, my Pop, my Great Aunty, 2 of my mums brothers, my uncles. My husbands grandparents. Just one day after celebrating my dad's good news, we found out that one of his best mates, a wonderful family friend, had lost a vicious battle with Motor Neurone Disease.

All of these wonderful people gone, and many more, in various circumstances, all of them tragic, all of them devastating.

Grief is like a swamp. A deep, thick hole where you are stuck. A place where you kind of need to be, but a place you desperately want to climb out of. Some of us manage to climb out faster than others. Others wallow there. And that's ok. The loss of someone you love and need is a physical pain, a hollowness, a deep, empty chasm. You don't know how you are going to get through. How you will ever smile again. Should you smile again? Is that disrespectful to the memory of your person?

A saying that I really hate, is 'life goes on'. You know why I hate it? Because it's f*cking true. It does continue to roll. To pick you up and sweep you into the next chapter. You might not be ready for it, you may feel like you are caught in swirling surf, but you have to surrender. Allow yourself to float and be carried to shore. Be held buoyant by those who love you. Those that are still here, needing you, wanting you, loving you.

I have witnessed many different types of grief and recovery. I have seen my amazing in laws suffer the worse kind of grief. They are a big loving family, and they are now even more so. They locked arms. They hugged, they cried. They keep the memory of their precious father alive with the power of family and love. They talk of him often, they visit his resting place. He is still so much a part of their family.

I have seen other people not be able to even mention their loved ones name. They turn inwards. They want their grief to be theirs and theirs only.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's a personal thing that is immeasurable and individual.

I recently have had my own health problems. I'm hoping it's nothing too serious. Pretty sure it's not. I had a procedure done yesterday, and while I feel like I was violated with the contents of my kitchen utensil drawer, I still feel lucky, albeit sore.

I feel lucky because I'm here. I feel lucky because we have an excellent health system. I feel lucky that I get to hold my babies tight, and that they get to have me.

I need to take better care of myself. Listen to my body. We all do. Due for a Pap smear? F**king go! Checked your boobs lately? No? WHY?

We are losing people we love. Sometimes there is nothing that can be done, but let's start with prevention. I don't want you to turn into a raving hypochondriac, but listen to your body.

I'm going to give up the fags. There. I said it. Sh*t. I don't know if I am ready. But I have to. Because the thought of sitting in an oncologist's office, hearing that I've pretty much killed myself is more than I can bear. An accident is tragic. MND is tragic. So many things can kill us, but self inflicted cancer is selfish. I don't want my husband and kids to bury me.

I feel like I have a second chance with my dad. You don't hear many happy endings with cancer. So I'm going to shout mine from the rooftops. Embrace survival. Focus on the happy things. Love the living, fondly remember those gone too soon. Celebrate the small things.

Cos life goes on.

Claire X

54 comments

  • Mary Robinson: April 17, 2024

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  • Julianna Davis: November 25, 2023

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  • Lilian Morgan: August 02, 2023

    HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK HOME WITH THE HELP OF A REAL AND GENUINE SPELL CASTER DR IFADE TEXT OR CONTACT VIA WHATSAPP +15513334259 OR EMAIL HIM ON ifadesolutionspell31@gmail.com Regard LILIAN MORGAN. My name is LILIAN MORGAN and I am from the United States. I almost took my life because of my husband who left me and stopped picking my calls and answering my mails and my messages. He said  He do not trust me anymore, I tried to convince and beg him, but he would not believe or answer me until we had a fight and  broke up for 6months, after that I realized I can not live without him because of the love I have for him. I tried everything possible to get him back, but non worked for me, some fake spell casters scammed me and went away with my money until I came across this man called Dr IFADE he helped me cast a spell  and behold my husband came back after 48 hours, begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that spell caster like Dr IFADE still exist. If anyone here needs some help, with all sincerity, contact Dr IFADE today On ifadesolutionspell31@gmail.com Contact him via is whatsapp number +15513334259 indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. i can never stop talking about you sir.  DR IFADE is really a great man you can contact him for solution for any kind of  problems like (1) lottery spell (2) ex back (3) get pregnant (4) cure for any kind of sickness, disease and infection And many others contact this great man today and get your Problems solved. Virus-free.www.avast.com

  • Lilian Morgan: August 02, 2023

    HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK HOME WITH THE HELP OF A REAL AND GENUINE SPELL CASTER DR IFADE TEXT OR CONTACT VIA WHATSAPP +15513334259 OR EMAIL HIM ON ifadesolutionspell31@gmail.com Regard LILIAN MORGAN. My name is LILIAN MORGAN and I am from the United States. I almost took my life because of my husband who left me and stopped picking my calls and answering my mails and my messages. He said  He do not trust me anymore, I tried to convince and beg him, but he would not believe or answer me until we had a fight and  broke up for 6months, after that I realized I can not live without him because of the love I have for him. I tried everything possible to get him back, but non worked for me, some fake spell casters scammed me and went away with my money until I came across this man called Dr IFADE he helped me cast a spell  and behold my husband came back after 48 hours, begging me for forgiveness, I was so surprised that spell caster like Dr IFADE still exist. If anyone here needs some help, with all sincerity, contact Dr IFADE today On ifadesolutionspell31@gmail.com Contact him via is whatsapp number +15513334259 indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. i can never stop talking about you sir.  DR IFADE is really a great man you can contact him for solution for any kind of  problems like (1) lottery spell (2) ex back (3) get pregnant (4) cure for any kind of sickness, disease and infection And many others contact this great man today and get your Problems solved. Virus-free.www.avast.com

  • Debbie Arnold: June 19, 2023

    I am out here to speed this good news to the entire world on how I got help from Dr Kachi a great lottery spell caster that will help you cast a lottery spell and give you the rightful numbers to win the lottery, I didn’t believe lottery spell at first but as life got harder i decided to give a try, I spend so much money on tickets just to make sure I win. until the day I met Dr KACHI online, which so many people have talked good about, that he is very great when it comes to casting lottery spell, he told me the necessary things to do and behold it was like a magic, i won $20 Million Dollars Florida Powerball Double Play with the numbers Dr Kachi gave to me. his a really trustful person worthy and reliable, i am sharing this to you who have been finding it so hard to win the lottery, Thanks you Dr. Kachi who helped me contact email drkachispellcast@gmail.com OR Text Number and Call:: +1 (209) 893-8075 Visit his Website: https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site

  • Debbie Arnold: June 19, 2023

    I am out here to speed this good news to the entire world on how I got help from Dr Kachi a great lottery spell caster that will help you cast a lottery spell and give you the rightful numbers to win the lottery, I didn’t believe lottery spell at first but as life got harder i decided to give a try, I spend so much money on tickets just to make sure I win. until the day I met Dr KACHI online, which so many people have talked good about, that he is very great when it comes to casting lottery spell, he told me the necessary things to do and behold it was like a magic, i won $20 Million Dollars Florida Powerball Double Play with the numbers Dr Kachi gave to me. his a really trustful person worthy and reliable, i am sharing this to you who have been finding it so hard to win the lottery, Thanks you Dr. Kachi who helped me contact email drkachispellcast@gmail.com OR Text Number and Call: +1 (209) 893-8075 Visit his Website: https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site

  • sam smith: June 16, 2023

    I just want the whole world to know about this spell caster I met
    two weeks ago, I cannot say everything he has done for me my wife
    left me 3 years ago left with my kids I was going through online
    when I meant this wonderful man’s testimony online I decided to
    give it a try and my wife is back to me now and we are happily
    married again cause is too much to put in writing all I can say is
    thank you very much am very happy Contact him today on oseremenspelltemple@gmail.com or whatsapp him on +2348136482342. www.facebook.com/Dr-odion-spell-temple-110513923938220

  • Susan Harrington: May 13, 2023

    Hello everyone out here!! My Fiancée Lesbian who left me is back, I want to share my testimony it’s my happiness with you all in this site, last year my Lesbian Wife left me for another woman, she abandon me alone and I miss her, since everything was so hard for me because i really love her so much, i didn’t lose hope i try my best to get her back when i was searching online and read testimonies of Dr Kachi how he has been helping ladies in getting there Ex lover back, I had no option than to seek for help, i contacted Dr Kachi explain my problem to him, Dr Kachi Guarantee me not to worry that’s going to help me cast a return love spell for me, that will bring my Lesbian Wife back and assure me within 2days, it was just like a magic my wife who left me surely return back, i couldn’t believe when she live the other lady and she come back to me with so much love and caring will are together now, I will never forget this help that Dr Kachi did for me, a love spell that brought my wife back. If you are here and you need help to get your Ex Lesbian back do contact Dr Kachi through this email: drkachispellcast@gmail.com I’m proud to be on his testimony page. His Number Text and Call: +1 (209) 893-8075 Visit his Website: https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site

  • Matt: May 13, 2023

    My name is Matt. I’m here to say a very big thanks to Priest Salami and his great Oracle for saving my marriage. No one would have believe that I and my wife will ever come back together again as lovers. But this great spell caster reunited us in just 48hours. Priest Salami is truly a real and honest online spell caster. Contact him now on: purenaturalhealer@gmail.com. Whatsapp number: +2348143757229

  • Natasha Thompson: May 08, 2023

    My name is Natasha Thompson from the USA/Texas.. Am so overwhelmed with gratitude to let the world know how Dr Kachi, the great spell caster changed my life for good. It all started when I lost my job and I was down financially and emotionally because I couldn’t be able provide for my two kids and staying home all day Jobless it’s not easy until I was checking on the internet when I saw a series of testimonies hearing people winning the Powerball lottery, I didn’t believed, but being poor no job you have no option. I gave it a try and I contacted Dr Kachi who told me what i have to do before I can become a big lottery winner and I accepted. He made special prayers for me in his temple and gave me the required numbers to play the lottery game and when I used the numbers to play it, I won a massive $344.6 million Powerball jackpot. I was so happy and I choose to review my winning in any platform, I would love other people to seek help from Dr Kachi through Text and Call: +1 (209) 893-8075 or email drkachispellcast@gmail.com by his website: https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site

  • Marvelyn Evans: May 01, 2023

    Hello everyone, my name is Marvelyn Evans. For quite some time, My husband was living in another apartment due to work pressure and we were very much happy together even though he stayed apart from us for some months. Little did i know a colleague from work was already having an affair with him which made my husband file a divorce against me out of nowhere. I knew something was wrong because we never had to fight or argue that much to make him leave. I was traumatized and i search for help to tackle the situation which led me to DR ISIKOLO from praises people showered on him online. We discussed at length and he told everything I needed to know about what happened and the due process to fix the problems. He fulfilled his promises and got my husband back to me and the divorce process was canceled. Now my husband is back home to us and we are happy together. Its indeed amazing how people can genuinely help other people when they are in need. He can help you too. Just text him via WhatsApp +2348133261196 or email him via: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com

  • Albert Walker: April 23, 2023

    Good day to all viewer online, my name is Albert Walker I am so overwhelmed sharing this great testimony on how i was checking for solution in the internet while miraculously i came across Dr Kachi who brought my ex Girlfriend back to me, This is the reason why i have taken it upon myself to thank this great spell caster called Dr Kachi, because through his help my life became more filled with love and i am happy to say that my ex Girlfriend who has been separated from me for the past 2years came back to me pleading for me to accept her back, This was a shocking to me my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before, because before i contacted Dr Kachi i was the one begging my ex Girlfriend to come back to me but through the assistance of Dr Kachi, I now have my relationship restored. You can also have a better relationship only if you Contact Dr Kachi Website: https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site OR Email: drkachispellcast@gmail.com You can reach him Call and Text Number:+1 (209) 893-8075

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